Falling

This type of falling

Doesn't allow me to

Brace for impact

But rather visualize

Catastrophize

Obsess over

The splat

My inevitable spill

My guts on the pavement

From the peak

I can see the whole world

Feel the wind in my hair

Embrace the sun

Reflected in you eyes

The marvelous view

Mesmerizing

Deceiveing

The view of everything

So incredible and vast

Makes me insignificant

Nothing

A blip on the radar

The whole climb up

I saw the signs

Committed them to memory

Spoke of how I should turn back

I've been on these paths before

Spoke about how summits aren't for me

All the while continuing my ascension

I lost my insight

In sights of promised beauty

The idea felt doable

When we were hand-in-hand

But when I felt unsteady

You were gone

I felt secure

When we were tied together

But now that I'm alone

All the way up here

It seems much easier to jump

Than to climb back down

Clarity spills over me as I look down

Over the view

That I had been working tirelessly to see

I built this mountain in my head

Just as a platform from which to fall

I guess there's a reason I'm scared of heights.

What a Mess

I scream into the void

But it never responds

Eventually I sewed my mouth shut

And wondered why no one can hear me

I'd apologize for my tone.

My lights are out

The house is dark

I beg for a lantern but receive a torch

I set it all aflame and step inside

But first, shut the door.

Though no one would stop to ask

I'd swear I'm okay

As the tears make their way

Down to my smile

She looked so happy!

You found me broken

And instead of rebuilding

You just piled the pieces

A gust of wind

And I'm scattered again.

Those eyes would kill me if I'd let them

And, God, would I let them

I would love every second I had left

And you'd just watch mine fade

Then walk away unscathed.

With the barrier gone

My thoughts would overflow

When asked for the source of the flood

My name would be uttered for the last time

And the response would be "Who?"

They'd kill off the natural disaster

You'd place a bandaid on my bullet hole

And as I lay exsanguinating

My final words would be

I'm sorry for this mess.

I Once Loved...

I once loved a man who couldn’t love another being

I tried to conjure up a hollow title for this hollow man,

But all that came to mind was Dad,

So I thought to myself, “Perfect!”

I soon learned that the issue with investing in someone hollow

Is that all you can get is nothing.

I once loved a man who loved to masquerade

He convinced himself that the mask was his face.

In frustration, I dragged him to the mirror to show him otherwise,

But the mask was stuck.

His lies defined him.

I once loved a man who loved a bottle more than me.

I told him that it couldn’t love him back,

But it filled the spaces that he lacked

So one day it did indeed

Love him more than I.

I once loved a man who loved to yell.

He wasted his air on angry words,

Until one day he ran out of breath.

He suffocated alone.

I once loved a man who loved to say he’s sorry.

The more he’s say it, the less it’d mean.

After his outbursts, he’d bring home flowers,

Until each bouquet reeked of violence.

Our house never ran out of flowers.

I once loved a man who loved to travel.

I would get my hopes up for a fun-filled night

Until we’d get in the car,

And he’d start a fight.

We never made it past Main Street.

I once loved a man who claimed to know me.

Somedays I believed he cared

Until I realized that his pet names for me

Were just as empty as his title.

He hated pets.

I once loved a man who loved to rage.

I loved him for many years,

Until one day, he became my fears.

I always felt silly for being afraid,

Until one day he punched me in the face.

For once he made me feel validated.

I once loved a man who say words he didn’t mean.

I believed his meaningless prose,

Until one day, I didn’t

On that day I no longer loved the man.

Here Lies Naivety

Assumptions spawn from innocence They are as fragile as glass
And as opaque as paint
They’re as vital as air

And as deadly as a knife

If one lives comfortably
One’s assumptions will flourish

Though when catastrophe strikes

And then your Mom marries him

Assumptions don’t stand a chance

Naivety passed at home
She was but a youngster

No-one stopped to notice

Her tragedy went unmourned

But preserved in absence

Her spirit lives on in rooms

Sometimes I could hear her voice

Echoed in memories
Too far away to touch
But too close to sequester

Each room sings a different tune

Each one equally dreary
Yet some more dangerous
Some supply background music

While others are deafening

Basement is ever-blasting

Pounding her bass of footsteps

Run up the stairs, as you may

But you still can’t get away

Fear is the catchiest song

Living-room weeps for sisters

She reverberates their cries

She, too, reaches for comfort

But cannot cling to Grandma

And thus remains her sorrow

Kitchen tries to be quiet
Her phone lines remained severed

So she cannot call for help
On nights where help does come

He tries to deepen her hush

Bedroom whimpers endlessly

She’ll scream softly to herself

Cursing all that has went wrong

Unless sleep overtakes her

Or bloodshed gives swift release

Bathroom sings a lullaby

A bed for the misbehaved

The porcelain of the tub

Mimicking low self value

Cold and unforgiving

Mom’s room warbles a warning

Reminder of mortality

She’s not sure what will take her

Either disease will prevail
Or her man will get her first

Sisters’ room hums of loneness
For she’s often forgotten
Mom’s room’s angst engulfed them

And so they reside in there

In the belly of the beast

When the whole house sings at once

The songs clash so heinously
You hit your head to shut it off
But even the wall guilts you

So you pack your things and leave

You assume that you can escape

But her ghost follows you out

Her nagging tune playing on

Even as she disappears

Now you know it’s in your head

Goodbye Blue Sky

1.Them

Seligman performed an experiment to test classical conditioning on dogs. He would ring a bell and then shock the dog. The purpose was to see if the dog would react to the shock before it was administered. What he inadvertently discovered was that the dog learned that it could not escape from the shock. Eventually, the dog would just lay down and take it. Even when moved to a space, that provided safety from the shocks, the dog no longer looked to avoid the pain. The perceived helplessness of the situation overtook reality.

2. It

Somewhere Over the Rainbow, Bluebirds Fly

Mom, promise me, you won’t ever die
And in that instant, you looked me in the eye

And promised me you never will

One day the news came
And on that day you left

Though my love never faltered

You were inconsolably bereft

I trace your mouth with this spoon

Coaxing you to eat
You spit it out
And as it dribbles down your chin

You expel me

This burns
Like the cancer you will accept

In your mouth
But not food
Life is no longer vital

Vitality
How relative it is

You still breathe

And though I feel it

You’re not still there

I could still touch you
Do you still feel it?
I want you to accept my warmth

My arms outstretched

Embraced by loneliness

These lonely days
With people all around
The weight of a smile

Remains undetectable

Without the pressure of facade

This trait was acquired
I learned from the best
You could hide it from the others

But not from me
Remember, I do it too

I mimic you
You— the disease
You’re shutting down

Aiming for self-defense
But you break yourself down

I watch you
From behind this impassive glass

Wanting to save you
But you have closed access

Allowing it to digest you
But you refuse to eat

Instead you swallow sadness

Savoring its flavor
Soon you will lose all ability to taste

With my ability to smell you
I’m not ready

Will I ever be?
I don’t think so
You have been my everything

And without you

Nothingness

Lifelessness
Comes in the company of dying

Terminal illness
Euthanizer of hope
Yet so merciless

3. Him

Yet you’ve felt the implications of the merciless before

In his drunken state
There was no person
He and his glass both empty

Creating an emptiness in the home

Ruled by the monster
At once you would revolt
But you learned to cower

Accepting the pain

Refusing to witness anymore

I dethroned the oppressor

Hatred oozes from him

Embodying me

You are not my daughter

By blood, he is right
The blood that haunts me
The blood that filled in his vein

Bulging adjacent to his eye

Anger blurring his vision

And he’d consume you
Like the disease
Hollow you
Replacing your innards with insults

And I’d watch the procedure

The cool reminder of home

Moistening my cheeks

Speechlessness burning my throat

He is gone

Yet his impact

Immortal

4. I

Who am I?
That’s the quest, right?

Unmask the masquerading

But what if once unveiled

There is nothing?

I am the creation of my past
A scratching post
Accepting havoc for the sake of others

Necessary for them

Scarring for me

These scars
Allow for some consistency

Remind me I am human

Soothingly destructive
A reminder that life goes on

That is what I’m expected to be

Human
Aren’t we all?
Yet the feeling of existence

Sometimes so eager to flee

Fight or flight
Fight for others
While escaping myself

And the memories win

Heeding my surrender

Fear becomes the ruler

And, I, the servant

I run up empty staircases
With the sound of heavy footsteps

Pounding in my head

I will see cupcakes
Such a happy delicacy

Smeared with the picture
Of them strewn across the wall

Icing stains on my memory

And now I fear for you
The ghostly, skeletal remains

Of a beautiful woman
Who died with the belief

That she was beautiful

Each time you reach for a smoke

You’re killing yourself
And I die a little more

Witnessing the procedure

Just the same

And every time you wish for death

The gut wrenching pain
Seeps in just the same as the first time

I want to save you

But this time, I can’t

How do I accept that?

I forfeited my sanity
As the white flag
That engulfs your delicate body

Is more impervious than us all

I’ve learned my helplessness

And so I stay the rock
Silent and immobile
A place for the careless to tread

And for the sage to sit and think

I stay the pillow
A place to release feelings

Accepting the blows of the angry

Supplying comfort to the sensitive

Absorbing it all

I remain inanimate
For as long as I can
To avoid the past
The past that shaped me

Hardened and softened me

In all the wrong ways

5. Them, It, Him, I

So they will go on
Because life goes on
No one stops
For the sake of one
They will mosey on
Even if they trample you to get there

And it won’t stop developing
Because there is no remedy
And maybe one day when you’re long gone

They’ll discover a cure
So no one will have to suffer
Like we did

And there is no controlling him
There never was
And never will be
So maybe one day they’ll lock him up

So no one will have to suffer

Like we did

And then there’s me
I will be here
Trying partially to cope

Partially to learn

So I could have a better future

Than I did a past

But that past will weigh heavily
And as my legs quiver under the pressure

I will remember

And I will react differently

So no one has to suffer

Like I did

6. You

And then there’s you
So blind to your potential
So overwhelmingly loved
And you won’t accept it

Because you don’t love yourself

And one day the disease will win
The battle that began so long before diagnosis

And claim the piece of you that is left
Yet this win is not a victory
Because everyone suffered

And you will fade out with the music in my head

“Somewhere Over the Rainbow”
And I will reflect on that moment
You promised you wouldn’t ever die

Because you hadn’t yet suffered

And I will be there to read a poem

Like this one
To the crowd that showed up
To honor you

The beautiful woman that was so loved

And I will visit you often
To put a rock on your grave
To remind you
That someone’s thinking about you

Because maybe then you’ll believe it

And your memory will live on

Surpass all of our physical lives

Because you were so special

And you’ll always be special

Because we all love you

Love you so much

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